Nobody Expects
by TaraNightreader
Summary: This is a series of shorts based on the song Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers. See Filch practicing oil painting, Viktor Krum taking ball-room dancing lessons and other things nobody would expect to happen.
1. Argus Filch to practice oil painting

A/N: Hiya! This series of shorts is based on the song Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers. Check it out if you haven't already, it's a fun song (and for the record, I've got nothing to do with the song, just like listening to it, and obviously don't own Harry Potter).  
Anyways, listening to the song eventually turned some of those weird things into headcanons for me and voila, these shorts happened. I'm going to try to write about all of them, headcanons or not. Hope you enjoy :)

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**_Nobody expects... Argus Filch to practice oil painting,_**  
**_It's a correspondence course, all those happy little trees._**  
_-Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers_

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Argus Filch shuffled down to his office, grumbling under his breath. That Peeves caused him nothing but misery, day in and day out. He was getting too old for this, should probably retire. Then again, what would he do if he wasn't working here? And who would take care of the school if he left? This was something he could at least do. Yes, if nothing else Argus Filch knew how to take care of Hogwarts.

Filch opened the door that lead to his room and sat down heavily in his chair. Mrs. Norris purred as she rubbed against his leg and he absentmindedly scratched her head. Now, where had he been?

In front of him was an easel with a half-finished painting on it. The painting was clumsy and amateurish but Filch was quite proud of it. He picked up a paintbrush and began adding another tree to the forest behind the hills he had painted as a foreground.

Landscapes were all he had painted so far but he believed he had gotten quite good at it. His mentor from the correspondence course had even praised his shading on the piece he sent him. Filch kept the letter at the top of one of his drawers, occasionally reading through it again, pride filling him every time. Who needed paintings of people anyways? He had enough of those running around on the walls of the castle. No, landscapes were best.

He was extremely glad now to have taken up the course Irma had suggested. When she first told him she was learning book mending by mail he had found it quite ridiculous, especially since she could just use a spell for it. But it was much more satisfying to do things by hand, she said, and he should try taking up a class of something, if only to pass the time. He remembered scoffing when she suggested painting, but signing up for it anyways. Nobody would have expected, least of all him, that painting would become his pride and joy.

The old man painted late into the night, no sounds disturbing the silence except for the purring of his cat, the low crackle of the fire in the hearth and the strokes of his brush on the canvas.


	2. Viktor Krum Likes Ball-Room Dancing

**_Nobody expects... that Viktor Krum takes ball‐room dancing lessons,_**  
**_he really likes the mambo, look out dancing with the stars._**  
_-Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers_

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One, two, three, one two three. Viktor glided across the floor with his partner, a lovely brunette named Anita. He liked Anita, she was the only girl in the class who hadn't looked about to swoon when he first joined. She also reminded him a little of Hermione Granger, which made him smile.

Hermione was a part of the reason he had taken up dancing in the first place. Perhaps he would have enjoyed dancing at the Yule Ball just as much with a different partner but he doubted it. Having a good partner simply made it ten times better so without that he might never have found his second passion.

Before it had been all about quidditch. Everything else faded in comparison, until he discovered dancing. His coach had been against it at first. He couldn't waste practice time on something as frivolous as dancing. But Viktor was firm, he enjoyed dancing and wanted to learn. It could be physically challenging and once he proved that, as well as promised only to take one lesson a week and never miss practice because of it, his coach relented.

It had been difficult at first, joining the ball-room dancing lessons. But Viktor was used to female admiration and male jealousy and, after a while, he had become a part of the group. It probably even helped, he thought, that at first he hadn't been very good. He knew the dances he learnt for the Yule Ball but nothing more, and his failures had broken the tension, eased the jealous looks from the other guys. The girls still stared at him occasionally and many batted their lashes at him whenever they chose partners in the hopes that he would choose them. Recently he found himself asking Anita more often than the others.

Viktor Krum bowed gracefully to his partner once the song came to an end. He would ask her to have a drink with him after the lesson, he decided. He had not expected to find a romantic interest through dancing. Then again, he had never expected to enjoy dancing this much. Nobody had.


	3. Voldemort Sleeps With a Teddy Bear

_**Nobody expects... that Voldemort sleeps with a teddy bear,**_  
_**It smells like moldy cheese, I think his name is Mr. Woobie.**_  
_- Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers_

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As the doors closed behind him Lord Voldemort sighed. Why were all of his followers idiots? They seemed incapable of following even the simplest orders. He went over the meeting again in his head while he undressed and got into bed. Nagini curled up by his feet, her unblinking eyes staring at him, and he decided to put it out of his mind. By tomorrow they would have fixed it. If not... well, he'd make them regret it.

Voldemort shifted, then groaned and reached under his bed, pulling out an old, battered teddy bear. He glared at it for a moment, then settled down to sleep, teddy bear clutched tight.

He hated that bear, he really did. Yet he couldn't sleep without it. The blasted thing was the only item he still had from his childhood. At the orphanage he hadn't owned much but one day he had been given this bear, Mr. Woobie. He couldn't remember how, exactly. Probably a birthday present from one of the women who worked at the orphanage. He couldn't remember why he had given it that name either. It was a stupid name. It also looked ragged and smelled bad. But as a child he had always fallen asleep with the bear and now, all these years later, he couldn't settle down without it. He hated that, almost as much as he hated the bear and just a little less than he hated the idea of someone finding out. No one could find out. If they did, he'd kill them.

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A/N: I'd just like to say: holy shizzles that is the hardest thing I've ever had to write. Doing this in a serious way = not easy.

Also... did I just get Humdinger approved? O.O *flails like a fangirl* Thank you Scott! I'm honoured that you'd read my stories, and I love your songs, you guys are awesome ^^


	4. Hermione Plays an Elf in D&D

_**Nobody expects... Hermione to play an elf in D&D,**_  
_**4.0, chaotic evil, sometimes plays an orc online.**_  
_-Nobody Expects by the Blibbering Humdingers_

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"What's that?" Ron asked, looking over Hermione's shoulder.

"N... nothing." She said, trying to cover the sketch she had absent mindedly been doodling.

"Why's that person got pointy ears?" Ron asked, peering at it. Hermione felt a blush creep onto her cheeks.

"It's supposed to be an elf." She muttered. Specifically, her elf. Her character.

"An elf? Elves don't look nearly that human, at least no species I've ever heard of." Hermione wanted to bury her head into the ground.

"It's what muggles think they look like." Ron's eyebrows rose.

"They do? Man, muggles think some strange things. Do they think elves are evil, too? Cause that one's grinning all scarily."

"That's because... oh it's just a doodle Ron! It's nothing, just forget it!" She didn't mean to snap but this was precious to her and the way Ron was half laughing made her angry.

"Alright, alright, relax. I was just curious." Hermione sighed as Ron stalked over to Harry. How did you explain this to someone who knew what actual elves looked like? This was why she preferred muggle fiction, much more imagination. After all, when you didn't know what something was like you could make it be anything, with as many or as few rules as you wanted to. But for a wizard magic and magical creatures existed and they just couldn't wrap their heads around them being any different than they were.

Maybe she could explain role playing to Ron, he'd probably understand that. Heck, maybe he'd even understand D&D if she explained it well enough. He'd probably find it funny though, the way muggles imagined magic worked.

Hermione looked at her sketch. The elf did have a scary grin, but that was because she was a rather scary person. Hermione had surprised even herself when she found out how much she liked playing a villainous character. She hadn't even been very excited about playing the first time, it was just something her friend dragged her into. Now it was her favorite thing about summer time, she got to meet with her group and role play.

After a moment Hermione folded up the sketch and put it in her bag, right next to a sketch of her orc character, taking a History of Magic book out instead. She had homework to finish.

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A/N: Sorry this one couldn't be better, I've just never played DnD or anything similar (more of a single player rpg person, although I have always wanted to try a tabletop game). But yeah, best I could do, hope you still enjoyed it :)


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